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The Human Magnet Syndrome: Why We Love People Who Hurt Us
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Audible Audiobook
Listening Length: 6 hours and 53 minutes
Program Type: Audiobook
Version: Unabridged
Publisher: Ross Rosenberg
Audible.com Release Date: December 26, 2013
Language: English, English
ASIN: B00HJE3QQA
Amazon Best Sellers Rank:
I have spent 30 years of my life choosing the wrong men. I happened to come across an article by the author online, and decided to read the book. I read it in one sitting, today, after kicking another narcissistic man out of my house yesterday. It's too soon to say "this book has changed my life"... but it will. I have never understood what is wrong with me or why I gravitate to selfish, arrogant men, and have spent my entire life in denial of an extremely challenging childhood. However miraculously, to see my entire life loosely summarized in a book by someone I don't even know, has spurned an incredible sense of determination to change. After months in therapy whining about my relationship, thinking I could change things while sticking around, I am convinced it is time to take a break from dating and try to reorient myself in the hopes of ending up in a relationship based on **mutual** love and consideration -- something I have never had before. If you are even considering the possibility that you are in a codependent situation, buy this book. Read it in the bathroom, or shower, or in a grocery store parking lot if you're dating someone who would be suspicious. Just do it. It's a surprisingly affordable "holy crap" moment you will probably not regret.
"The Human Magnet Syndrome: Why We Love People Who Hurt Us" was one the most important books I, and I imagine for most codependents and possible emotional manipulators as well, will ever read in their entire life. This is because it reveals important truths about why we behave the way we do. It's like suddenly becoming aware of the Matrix and realizing "oh that is how and why things turned out the way they did". And as the author says "It's Never Too Late To Be Who You Might Have Been", so there is still hope.Rosenberg, he who himself endured many emotional mantiplutive codependent relationships throughout his life, goes into how both emotional mantiplators and codependents are made, how each of them behaves and views things, how they are drawn to one another, how their relationships unfold and lastly briefly sheds light on how one might go about, or helping someone else, heal from these wounds these relationships have left on these individuals.After reading this book I personally, myself being a codependent, reliezed that I had a deep sense of self hatred rooted in childhood that caused me to seek "other approval" even at great cost to myself. I began to understand how that further caused me to be a doormat, people pleaser and ultimately has been holding me back from full potential and how it had been attracting the wrong people into my life. I feel many others who read the book will feel similarly.The following line, my favorite from the book, highlights this epiphany well:"Go to the mirror now, and look yourself in the eye. There is a child inside of you, the child you used to be. He or she is you –a frightened child who is frozen in time because of harm suffered and endured at a young age. You know you desperately want to be released from the shackles of self-doubt, self-loathing and fear. You, and only you, can make the determination to walk down a new path in life that will certainly bring you to happiness, serenity and improved self-esteem. The decision is yours: Live with limited risk but perpetual relational dysfunction, or risk everything and choose to begin the personal/ emotional work that will bring you to healthy and satisfying mutual love –true love. Make the right choice."I also began to see things from the emotional manipulators perspective, and how they were made. It allowed be to realize that they too were often hurt in childhood. While this didn't excuse their actions, or make me want to continue reltionships with them, it did allow me to forgive them (for my own sake) and helped me moved on no longer held back my toxic grudges and memories of them.So whom is this book for and how should it's knowledge be used?Codependents, as Rosenberg points out, are much more likely to be able to heal and benefit from the insights of this book. Emotional manipulators, again as Rosenberg points out, are much more difficult to reach and heal because of how they were wounded and how the view and behave. So if you come to this book, or come out of it, trying to fix a emotional manipulator your unlikely to find much success. However if you are a codependent or are trying to help one you know, or one of the rare emotional mantipulators who is willing to change, or are using this information in a mental health practice or are just trying to help a family or friend (with not too much personal investment on the outcome) or lastly you are just curious to see if you may have been affected by some of the concepts in this book then I highly recommend this book. But I don't recommend that you spend your time trying to fix other people (unless your in the mental health field or are going into it). Spend your time wisely!The only real complainant I have from the book is that there is isn't much advice, or at least should be more, on how to heal from the abuse. I believe Rosenberg said he's thinking about writing another book on that and that this book was more of a "why" book rather than a "how to heal" book. As such your going to have to work on the healing stuff more on your own. With a little more on how to heal and move past the abuse this would easily be a 5 star review and the book would feel more completely. As is though it's 4 out of 5 stars.Other books I recommend as a compliment to this book that fit into the theme of the book and help compensate for it's lack of healing advice are: "No More Mr Nice Guy" (for guys) or "Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl" (for girls), "The Selfish Gene", and "The Solution to Social Anxiety". Also check out Melody Beattie's (who basically discovered codependency) books on the subject such as "Codependent No More".I am extremely grateful to Rosenberg for his life's work. I came across one of his youtube videos by chance and was blown away and took a chance and bought this book. And I'm lucky I did. It has helped save and change my life for the better. So many people will go through life never realizing the root of their pain, suffering and issues can be traced backed to early childhood experiences that fundamentally altered the way they approach relationships, social interactions and how they live their life in general. Many as such will never move past or heal such pain. Never realizing their full potatial. Realizing why and how this damage was done, with the help of this book, will likely lead to a great life change of your own.Buy this book, you won't regret it!
Oh my... this book was amazing!! Thank you Ross Rosenberg!!I am a student finishing up my AA degree in human services w/ an emphasis on certification for Chemical Dependency Professional... I WAS going to work as a substance abuse counselor however, the past two year, after my own awakening in my codependent ways of being, I began working a recovery program in Al-anon. I read everything I could get my hands on with regards to this topic and devoured all my college level text books on the subject of addiction ... because the narcissistic addict was the thorn in my flesh...I began to understand and fully understand after reading this book, how we attract the opposite of what we are... I was a serious codependent. I never realized I learned to HATE who I was.. to avoid an abusive, rage-a-holic father, I employed roles and ways fo being to anticipate what was coming so I could avoid being beaten... It never worked but I learned how to read people and please them to avoid being abandoned rejected and orphaned ...I have had a few significant relationships in my life. All were with narcissist once using addicts and a few in active addiction. I was unable to see the pattern or see anything in me that was bringing them into my life.. just wasn't the time. Two years ago, it became time to wake up and change...Today, this book has helped me understand the continuum of how and who attracts who... a -5 codependent will attract a +5 narcissistic personality, BPD, or addict narcissist ... addicts are always narcissistic.. they literally have a love relationship with their drug of choice and USE people ... there are 3 stages to addiction: early, middle and late stage and just going sober doesn't change the narcissist personality they have created in the disease; WHICH is why it is imperative for them to work an HONEST recovery program with a sponsor in some type of 12 step program. It is a guide to renewing their distorted, diseased, brain and learn to become awake, aware and actively recovering and changing.This book discusses everything necessary so you will learn about yourself and your patterns as a codependent. Unfortunately, as stated in this book, most narcissistic types will NOT be helped because they can't ever see that they have done anything wrong.. their programming is such that they are perfect, grandiose, without fault nor flaw... they can't even begin to dig down deep in to the cesspool of their past upbringing to address the deep trauma and abuse they encountered at some point in their development. This is what drives them to self-medicate, or just live the illusion that they are perfect and everyone should bow down worship and adore them "god complex' types.I completed this book in one sitting .. it just spoke to exactly what I needed to read at the moment.. filling in so much information to all that I have read over the past 2-4 years when I was 'dabbling' in considering if I was in need of help until I realized I WAS definitely in need of help.Today I believe through the program of Al-anon and working with a sponsor as well as reading and studying such books as this, I have entered in to a level of healing that I could not have entered in to any other way.. I came to see that I needed to be restored to sanity because I was INSANE as a result of the narcissistic addicts I had allowed into my life... the only way to get better was to get away from them, isolate myself for a season and put the focus totally on me... nothing a true codependent does with out dis-ease...I began loving myself. Accepting myself and all that has happened and currently happens.. I live in acceptance and I forgave and rapidly forgive myself daily. Perfection and control are both illusions and I live genuine and authentic these days. I have good healthy boundaries in place and have eradicated close ties with anyone in active addiction or not working an honest recovery.This book is MUST reading MUST MUST MUST .. if you are a codependent and if you happen to be that rare addict narcissist who wants to truly find peace and serenity in a recovery lifestyle. I think the book said that many addicts move out of the narcissistic +5 when they stop drinking and work recovery ...All in all, I will and have already recommended this book to people in class and working their own recovery program. Thank you Ross Rosenberg for taking of your time to put this down on paper and put it in print! I am grateful to infinity and beyond! NOW I have a definite understanding of why I attracted who I did .. and why I am no longer attracting unhealthy addict types... SO happy to know this!!
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